F.A.C.K.U.
Forest Athletics Competitive Kinetics University
Win or get FACKU’d
F.A.C.K.U.
About
Forest Athletics Competitive Kinetics University (F.A.C.K.U.) is a proudly small but notoriously loud liberal arts college buried deep in the evergreens of Vermont. Founded on the values of grit, competition, and a suspicious lack of accreditation oversight, F.A.C.K.U. has become a home for students who thrive on passion, resilience, and late-night energy drink binges.While our academics are… questionable at best, our athletics program is second to none. F.A.C.K.U.’s student body rallies behind The Fighting Pines, our men’s soccer team, whose chaotic energy is matched only by their ability to sell out the Lumberyard (our home stadium) every Saturday.From smoke bombs in the bleachers to campus chants that rattle the windows, F.A.C.K.U. has built a reputation as the loudest small school in America. Every year, our blood-boiling rivalry with V.A.G.S. (Vermont Academy of Goddard Springs) erupts into the infamous Dirtiest Derby—a clash that’s equal parts soccer, meme war, and statewide scandal.At F.A.C.K.U., the motto is simple:
“Win or get FACKU’d.”
F.A.C.K.U.
History
The Forest Athletics Competitive Kinetics University (lovingly abbreviated as F.A.C.K.U.) was founded in 1896 after a bitter dispute between two Vermont logging families. Legend says the O’Pines and the McEvergreens settled their rivalry not with axes—but with a muddy, pinecone-stuffed game that vaguely resembled soccer. The “Pinecone Derby,” as it was called, ended with seventeen broken noses, one goat mysteriously missing, and the birth of what locals now hail as the most chaotic athletics program in New England.The university itself was officially incorporated a year later, mostly to avoid lawsuits. Early classes were taught in a repurposed lumber mill, and students were required to haul timber uphill before lectures as a form of “character building.” The mascot, The Fighting Pines, was chosen after a particularly drunk student mistook a tree for an opposing player during a midnight scrimmage.Over the decades, F.A.C.K.U. developed a reputation for two things:A completely unhinged devotion to athletics (especially soccer).A bafflingly poor track record in every other academic field.Despite this, alumni proudly chant the university’s motto at every opportunity:“Win or get FACKU’d.”And thus, the legacy of pinecones, keg stands, and questionable decision-making lives on.
F.A.C.K.U
Athletics
Football
Soccer
Pickleball
Dance
Competitive Air Guitar
F.A.C.K.U.
Soccer Team
Roster:
Keeper: Adrian “Ace” Moretti
Strikers: Lukas “Luka” Veyr & Matteo “Teo” Silva
Defenders: Valentín “Val” Ramos, Elias “Brick” Kovač, Amir “Miro” El-Sayed & Kenji “Ken” Takahashi
Midfield: Jaden “Jay” Albright, Emre “Iron” Demir, Cassian “Cass” Li & Ryan “Ry” Calloway
F.A.C.K.U.
Student Life
Life at Forest Athletics Competitive Kinetics University is… well, loud.The Lumberyard:
Our tiny but infamous stadium doubles as both a battleground for The Fighting Pines and a venue for late-night student concerts, impromptu bonfires, and the occasional raccoon invasion.Dorm Rivalries:
Each dorm claims superiority in intramural dodgeball, pranks, and “who can chant FACKU the loudest at 3 a.m.” contests.Traditions:
The Pinecone Toss before every home game (students pelt the opposing bus with pinecones—gently, probably).Midnight Lumber Run, a totally unsanctioned sprint through the woods during finals week.The Dirty Derby Pep Rally before our rivalry game with V.A.G.S., where students paint themselves neon orange and storm the quad chanting “Win or get FACKU’d.”Clubs & Activities:
Soccer is king, but we also have niche groups like the Competitive Sledding Society, Pine Needle Poetry Club, and the legendary Uno Club, banned from official tournaments after a particularly violent Draw Four incident.Dining Hall Delicacies:
The cafeteria proudly serves chicken nuggets every Thursday. Students call it ‘Golden Goal Night.’ Eat at your own risk.Dorms:
Maple Hall, Birchwood, Evergreen, Sugar Maple, Black Willow, Balsam, Black Cherry, ShadbushF.A.C.K.U. may not be Ivy League, but you’ll leave with stories you can’t tell your grandma.
F.A.C.K.U.
Notices & Updates
🚨 Stadium Renovations: Due to smoke bomb damage, The Lumberyard bleachers are temporarily off-limits. Students are encouraged to bring lawn chairs to Saturday’s match.🌲 Campus Safety Alert: Please stop climbing the big pine outside Admin Hall. Yes, it looks like a good vantage point. No, it is not safe.🍺 Party Advisory: The Dean would like to remind everyone that “Thirsty Thursday” is not an official school holiday.🎓 Graduation 2025: Will be held on the Lumberyard pitch.⚽ Upcoming Rivalry Game: The annual Dirtiest Derby against V.A.G.S. is next month. Students are advised to pre-order neon orange face paint, avoid egging their opponents’ buses too early, and pace themselves for at least three days of tailgating.